February doldrums

Wow, I haven't written here since October...and it's been a long winter. Guess I didn't want to write about what a funk I've been in or how miserable I am cooped up inside. There are worse things to have to contend with and I know I am blessed beyond measure. I know God will give me the strength to pull through.

I have just been so exhausted, mentally which leads to physical exhaustion. Not knowing what tommorrow brings and having absolutely no control over our future. I've always been a planner and a dreamer. I love to dream about things and then work towards making them happen. Well living in the great northern frozen tundra has never been one of my "dreams" and I've been on survival mode it seems since the day we arrived. I find myself consistently moving further from my main source of strength, we stopped going to church a long time ago and I do not even know when the last time was that I picked up a real bible, not just a devotional book to help get me through the day. I know what I need but I am being stubborn like a child to reach out for it.

So here I am struggling to figure it all out myself, what is it all about? What is life's meaning? What is my purpose here? Where am I going and when will I get there? There is no road map. Faith is blind and trusts completely. I need to find that place again of complete surrender. Let go of every hope and dream that has me bogged deep into my own self loathing. There has to be more to life. Its all in the perspective.

We are in mid Feb and my weather guys keep telling me that spring is coming. Yesterday was one of the coldest days ever so it was a bit hard to believe them (-44 wind chill) Looking back at last years photos I see that Feb had snow and March was nice and the kids actually went outside...I can't remember the last time we went outside (Sept?) The winter has been alright until February. Feb is the coldest month of all and the longest too it seems (although its really the shortest month) It should warm up by May they say. Yay I'm all over that. I need to dig something so bad and lately all it seems I'm digging is my own grave. The ground will thaw around April/May and I can plant something again.

The days are starting to get longer. The sun rises around 7 am now, which is nice to not have to go to work in complete darkness. That helps. Darkness makes me so tired and moody. plus with pms all the time it seems to never stop. I wish they made a pill to fast forward through the month of February...or sleep it off. Last night I crashed early (6:30pm) and hubs took care of everyone, he's such a sweetie! I woke tired still but I'm up so that is a step forward. Somehow I will trudge out of this. Another day, another chance to live