It's Monday...do you know where your daughters at?

Today I start Reserve IDTs - this is good and bad because for 1) I will not be in front of a computer all day 2) instead I'll be getting hot and sweaty in a dirty warehouse so thoughts of my daughter and when we will meet should not be running through my head...well it was a thought anyway! the LABOR has been intense and painful and my nerves are pretty well shot through and through already. I didn't think I could possibly feel like this another month and THIS month was the month for sure. I suppose if we are really lucky we may see our daughter tonight after the rest of the world wakes up and goes to work - but more than likely we won't see her until Tues or Wednesday! Each second is a moment too long - we have been apart too long and all it will take is a photo and she will become a real person and not just a dream. I sometimes wonder if I made this all up and my agency will call at any minute and say "What referral" that is about how close to falling over the edge of anticipation I am. I don't see how anyone could be calm and rational right now - the weekend of waiting it out has been torture!

So here we are....still waiting. Hoping to meet our daughter soon. Joyful with every parent that has recieved their little blessings so far (there have been several photos posted). And yet we wonder when that call will come...

we're still waiting...

I could go for a big honkin piece of ice cold chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and a really tall ice cold glass of milk about now...of course that isn't allowed on day 5 of the South Beach Diet plan :( What do they know? Comfort food IS healthy! It eases your mind and soothes your spirit. Chocolate can make any situation better. So I guess I should have named this blog "Do they have Chocolate in China" a spin from M3's awesome blog.

Of course I never knew what a blog was until I met M3. That blog is so the best ever! When no one I know will give me the time of day I can always go there and have a good laugh or cry. I love her honesty and realism. Nothing is ever held back - she's my kinda gal.

I love my chocolate like she loves her salsa :) I like it for breakfast, I like it for dinner and I like it for lunch, I could eat it on a plane. I could eat it on a train. I could eat it in a box and I could eat it with a fox...but I wouldn't have to share because foxes don't eat chocolate:) I could eat it here or there...well, I could eat it anywhere! I like chocolate yes I do! I like CHOCOLATE how bout you???

Ok, now that was fun. Now I'm off to find something for dinner...chocolate ricatta is on the SB Diet - if I skip dinner can I have a double shot???

Birthdays and Anniversaries :)

Happy 3rd Birthday to our nephew Sam! It's been so long since we've seen you I bet you've grown into a very handsome young man! Jared made sure we knew today was your day! Party on man ;)

Scott and Kim celebrate 11 Fabulous years of wedded bliss today :) It has been totally amazing and the years only deepens our love for each other. Scott is the best friend a person could ever hope to have and He's my rock when I need support and my foundation when I feel the urge to fly. I am truly the most blessed girl on Earth. I look forward to the many years of memories we have to share together and love to reflect back upon the memories we've made. 11 Year Anniversary's gift is Steel. I can't think of a single thing that you would want made of steel but I do know that you "STILL STEAL my heart with every look and I look forward to STEALING kisses from you at every chance I get" :) How's that for corny romantic poetry?

Why do I keep changing the title of this blog...?

I really liked the title KleinsinGermany but it seemed I was doing more belly aching than blogging about our family so I thought I would change the title to something more appropriate to how I was feeling - thus "The Square Peg" was founded. Then I started getting bored with that and I don't like thinking of myself as any sort of peg - square, round or otherwise...so I need help coming up with a new title. Something that is a better reflection of who I am. So I am opening this challenge to you to see what you think my title bar should be.

Fore! Be on the lookout - Our referral is coming! We don't know when - we are still pretty much in limbo as to whether or not it will be this month or not. Our agency knows NOTHING and will not know until after the stork takes off whether we have a baby on the way. So we wait, and we wait, and we wait some more. If you would like to follow the day by day updates of the adoption please check out the blog "Born in My Heart". The link is on the side bar and I will be posting the moment by moment play by plays as we hear something in the upcoming week.

It's so so HOT HOT HOT in the EIFEL! I am LOVING it! We need a rain really badly or the vegetation is going to all dry up and wither away, but I have been lugging buckets of water to the pots each day to keep them hydrated and alive. There is NO AIR CONDITIONING in any of our buildings so we have to open windows and run the fans...which only circulates the hot air. So it is usually much much hotter inside than it is outside. Makes for miserable working conditions when you are fully dressed and sticking to your chair...I would rather be barefoot and lounging outside with my spray bottle soaking up the sun rays :) Loving the sun, and the warmth - it gets miserable inside yes, but all the more reason to go outside and enjoy the day.
All too soon this will be over and winter will come back - blehh!

We are going to go "cruise the Mosel" tonight with the 22 (my squadron) It was so much fun last year and we are really looking forward to it again. We will ride the boat for about an hour and then go to Chicken Willies for dinner - best chicken in the world! You get the WHOLE chicken! I will take photos this time - last year my batteries died on me. This year I go prepared.

Back to School Shopping 101

What's the best way to shop?

Normally, I love to roam the isles in search of a good bargain but since we are very limited in our shopping capabilities here I have taken to shopping online for all of our needs. So what does a busy Mom do when her two favorite students need back to school gear? Let them create a "wish list" online of course! Then I can go online at my leisure and weed out the "I don't think so" from the "ok - that's acceptable" while teen sleeps :) no battles, no whining, no long lines, driving miles to find a good price on jeans and shoes...it's all point and click and VOILA! shopping done - happy kids and a happy Mom :) = priceless!

What is my favorite places to shop? Amazon.com, Kohls.com and Eastbay.com - please let me know if you have recommendations on other sites.

There's just a LOT of me to love :)

Ok, so the diet I planned (30 lbs in 30 days) is not working. I think my body is laughing at me...hysterically!!! I haven't lost a since ounce! I've been drinking water and haven't had chocolate or soda in 3 weeks....and I've been excercising. Something has to give here. I've been eating healthy and I've started logging in everything I eat...I found a cool new website to track health and fitness. It's a great motivator! After only 2 days I could tell I was seriously iron and calcium deficient. It's a great site for learning how to get healthy and stay healthy for life. Check it out!

These photos are of the me now (the Chocoholic) and the me after I get to my goal weight of 112 lbs.

Tuesday Update

Its been quite an interesting week thus far and we are only into Tuesday. Yesterday I made a Dr appointment for Cody because he has had a sore throat and fever for the past 3 days and wouldn't you know it, Jared had a field trip at the same exact time...so Scott took on Dr duty while I went on the hike into the unknown...in my work shoes (not very comfy for hiking) Thus our day goes something like this - I get there for the "walk" and all these German Mom's and Dad's are dressed for a SERIOUS hike - hiking boots, backbacks - the works! I say to the nearest English speaking Mom "uh, where is the walk going?" "oooooh, we're not going far - just into the woods a bit" so off we go, we're walking, we're walking - not sure where we are walking to but we're following the crowd of kindergarteners into to wild unknown. So a few minutes and what seemed like miles later we came to a cabin in the woods where there was a field and some picnic tables. There we sat and rested up a bit while the kids had a soda pop then we followed the teachers into the WOODS and folks started gathering up wood like they were gearing up for winter or something. Then they started CUTTING down trees and stringing up ropes - all the while gathering and gathering more sticks - I had no earthly idea what was going on! Within 30 minutes they had erected a good sized tent made of small trees and covered in sticks and leaves a circle of branches with leaves on top for cushion and numerous obstacles for the kids. (I wish I'd remembered my camera) It was quite a sight and put the boy scout camp my brother attended when I was 10 to shame. Boy Scouts have nothing on German Kindergarten teachers!

Anyway, after about two hours of "roughing it" in the woods, Jared and I snuck out and headed back to the car. Somehow along the way I became "carrier of the stick" the prize that Jared walked away from his woodland adventure with. Jared was walking just in front of me and we were almost to the car when I said something and Jared turned towards me and whamo! right in the eye with the stick. I knew for sure I had impaled his eye and he would never see again - I just knew I was going to have him gushing blood at any second - after we got across the street and back to the car and he was able to take his hand away from his eye and stop crying it turned out to only be a tiny scratch. Thank God! (I tend to have a history of passing out when my boys are having a medical emergency - it's so traumatic) We got back to the car and Scott had written me a note that he had to take Cody to the hospital 2 hrs away to have an absess drained...so we rush home to change and prepare for a trip to the hospital but Scott called just as I got home and said they were done and on their way back. It turned out he had an infection in his throat/sinus cavity and the Dr took an enormous amount of puss out of it (BLEH!) Yep, I would have passed out for sure. Cody is doing so much better already and it's good to see him up after 3 days of him not wanting to get out of bed.

This morning I picked up my first hitch hiker. Yes, he was surprised too (that an American woman would pick him up) but I figured it was the least I could do after I almost drove him over...he was standing really close to the road or maybe he was IN the road - I didn't have much time to think about it and I only took him about 1 mile down the road. We conversed about the fact that I would NEVER have even dared to think about giving a stranger a ride had I been in America and then told him that there were all kinds of dangers in hitch hiking in America...should he ever visit I'm pretty sure I scared the poor man out of even thinking about hitch hiking.

And last story of the day happened during lunch today as I was checking out a Mom with her 3 very small boys was also getting her groceries together and one of the little ones snuck out the side door beside the one she was in and when she turned around and didn't see her I could just see the heart attack about to happen on her face. Since I seemed to be the only one in the store that had seen which direction the little boy had taken I pointed to her which way he'd gone and so everyone is looking around and then he appears on the other side by the road. Scary moment for all and made me think about being extra thankful that there are always eyes watching over us and we could always use an extra hand or two in life even if it comes from a stranger.

PMS comes at the worst of times

I am hoping that no men read my blog and if so be warned that the topic is one of hormones and womenly wonders. The mood I've been in for the past few days...well it turned out to be a terrible case of PMS. A terrible case indeed. Do I really need to go through this every month of the next 10 years or so? When does menapause start? I'm actually looking forward to that if it will eliminate the monthly reminder of the terrible failure I am at making babies. My heart is full of fertility and conceives often enough that I should have a full house by now. Only the children of my heart are out there somewhere and I haven't met them yet. This is terribly depressing because I don't want to be miserable...I would love to be complete with the two wonderful sons I have been blessed to give birth to. I don't think I am a very amazing Mom so why should I be trying to increase my gaggle? The only thing I know is that I love children very much and the ones I love the most of all are the ones that call me Mommy and say things that melt my heart like "Mommy you're beautiful" when I don't have a speck of makeup on and my hair is a freak show. I'd pass up all the treasures on earth to have that every day of the rest of my natural life.

My "Moms" don't understand my need to nurture and raise my own children because they each are the oldest child in a family of 6. They raised their brothers and sisters and had no desire for a full house by the time they had children of their own. All they want is peace and quiet. I on the other hand was an only daughter and the baby of the family of 4. (three older brothers) pretty much grew up alone. No one to talk to, argue with or share secrets with. Just me and my stray animals and whatever animals we had on our farm. It was very lonely. I always dreamed of meeting the perfect man and having a house full of screaming, laughing, larger than life children. This was my idea of the perfect life and the perfect family.

Right now I just feel that all my dreams along with the hope they inspired has been crushed. I know I have been beyond blessed. I know everyone reading this is saying "get over it". I will but for the moment I am very very sad and blue. I feel so broken, empty, crushed and worthless inside. Is there anyone out there who understands what I am feeling??? Will I be forever blue?

35

My birthday 7.06.06 I was not in the greatest of moods...but the guys tried really hard to cheer me up by taking me to the Lotus but it wasn't open yet so we went for ice cream instead. Later on, Scott and I walked over to the local restaurant down the street. It was nice and quiet and very good food. Not the Lotus (my favorite Chinese restaurant in Bitburg) but it was nice to try something new. Scott went to the airport to see Mike off and cam home with these beautiful lavender flowers. My Mom sent me an ecard with a Larkspur on it and all my cards were lavender. And the candle at the restaurant was lavender...and the cotton candy icecream I ate was lavender and pink. I guess it was just a lavender day :)

Spazzing

Yesterday I was in a much better mood - today I'm not sure what kind of mood I'm in. I hope this entire month isn't like this. I am trying to stay away from the boards and the inbox but I keep going back to check - no mail. I guess I really did it this time. No one is "speaking" to me now. I guess I deserve that after the mean things I've said. I'm putting our family website in a time out until my mood regulates. This blog is the only one I will maintain this month. ~~~~~ It will be a reflection of my many moods :) :( :P:D Won't THAT be enjoyable! LOL

Tommorrow is a better day

The sun will come out tommorrow....that is a great song. My two day blue mood is passed THANK YOU GOD and I would like to say I am sorry to anyone who's feelings I hurt. I realize I "went off" on a lot of innocents and I was wrong.

I also realize now that I am a square peg in a round hole family. I just don't fit in. I love to travel and I love to read and write. My family and most of the friends I have do not. This is something I will have to learn to accept and move on. I still love my family and friends but I do not feel close to them. They do not understand me. Sometimes I don't understand me. I am a very moody person and not all of the moods are good. That's just who I am. I cannot be happy, happy, joy, joy all the time. I sometimes get "moody" and blue. That is part of who I am too. I like to write about all of these feelings. It helps me to let them go and if I do them in writing instead of talking about it then that is just my way. If you don't agree that's fine, I respect your opinion too but either way I would love to hear from you.

Your Birth Month is July

Introspective and intense, you tend to be a deep thinker. You are quiet and spiritual - and you have a unique perspective on life. Your soul reflects: Lightness, luck and an open heart Your gemstone: Ruby Your flower: Larkspur Your colors: Green and red

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Today is the one year anniversary of our Log in Date (LID). Who would have thought that we would still be waiting for a referral? It is very depressing. That and the fact that I turn 35 tommorrow and having the dozen children that I've always dreamed of is becoming pretty much a pipe dream. I am feeling pretty BLAH and HEAVY today. My diet is going into reverse and I am gaining weight instead of losing it even though I've been eating no sweets (ie NO CHOCOLATE) drinking LOTS of water (I'm about to float!) AND believe it or not I've been excersizing (yeah it's about as hard to do it as it is to spell it) I feel like gravity is just sucking my energy back into the earth. It has been beautifully sunny and warm (I bask in it every chance I get) but that doesn't seem to improve my mood...or help me tan any. Darn pink red-head skin I was so blessed to wear.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Today is the anniversary of our Log In Date. Who would have thought that a year later we would still be waiting for a referral? This is very depressing. That and the fact I turn 35 tommorrow. My dream was to have a lot of children by now. My life plan did not work out the way I had hoped it would. So I know it is "our month" and I am trying to be excited - really I am. But not much excites me right now. This diet I started has taken on a serious reversal - I am gaining weight instead of losing it and I have been eating healthier, drinking lots of water and excersizing but I am just tired and achy and HEAVY! BLAH Like gravity is sucking me down into the earth. Summer has finally come to the Eifel and I have been enjoying basking in the sun as much as possible but even that doesn't seem to help boost my energy level...and I can't tan! Darn this red headed pale skin!

Happy Sun-day to you!!!

It's another beautiful day in the Eifel - looks like summer may stay around for a while. We are truly enjoying the warmer temps and full days of sunshine. Scott and I took a bike ride around the "neighborhood" yesterday. Our neighborhood consists of many hills so most of our ride was either going downhill at breakneck speed (me) while Scott rode his brakes (shicken) or going uphill me walking my bike(since I can't figure out the gearshift on my mountain bike), Scott (man'o'iron)going up no problem. The countryside is so beautiful and besides my itchy, scratchy eyes - the farmers were cutting hay...we had a great ride. Our muscles are screaming at us today though! No this getting in shape idea is not without pain but I must I must I must. I wanted to take my camera but my bike has no contraptions for holding anything so I had to juggle my water bottle the whole time - I'm thinking of getting a Holly Hobby basket...like my bike when I was 7 :) Think they might sell them on Ebay???

I couldn't agree more!!!

You Should Spend Your Summer at the Beach

You're a free spirit who is always thinking of new ways to have fun. And you don't just love summer... you live for it. So, you really should blow off your responsibilities and head to the beach!

Where Should You Spend Your Summer?

30 lbs in 30 days

I have never been one to do anytime small and well it just occured to me that I have become a bit "plump" and these months of stress eating (cookies and icecream) for dinner hasn't helped. Soooo I am pledging to give it my all to lose the excess weight and become a healthier me. This is OUR MONTH so that should motivate me on to this goal. I know it will be extremely difficult *I HATE to exercise! But here I go....I actually started a (pre-diet) on Monday to see if I could live without candy and cokes before I committed myself to a month long sugar fast.