I am hoping that no men read my blog and if so be warned that the topic is one of hormones and womenly wonders. The mood I've been in for the past few days...well it turned out to be a terrible case of PMS. A terrible case indeed. Do I really need to go through this every month of the next 10 years or so? When does menapause start? I'm actually looking forward to that if it will eliminate the monthly reminder of the terrible failure I am at making babies. My heart is full of fertility and conceives often enough that I should have a full house by now. Only the children of my heart are out there somewhere and I haven't met them yet. This is terribly depressing because I don't want to be miserable...I would love to be complete with the two wonderful sons I have been blessed to give birth to. I don't think I am a very amazing Mom so why should I be trying to increase my gaggle? The only thing I know is that I love children very much and the ones I love the most of all are the ones that call me Mommy and say things that melt my heart like "Mommy you're beautiful" when I don't have a speck of makeup on and my hair is a freak show. I'd pass up all the treasures on earth to have that every day of the rest of my natural life.
My "Moms" don't understand my need to nurture and raise my own children because they each are the oldest child in a family of 6. They raised their brothers and sisters and had no desire for a full house by the time they had children of their own. All they want is peace and quiet. I on the other hand was an only daughter and the baby of the family of 4. (three older brothers) pretty much grew up alone. No one to talk to, argue with or share secrets with. Just me and my stray animals and whatever animals we had on our farm. It was very lonely. I always dreamed of meeting the perfect man and having a house full of screaming, laughing, larger than life children. This was my idea of the perfect life and the perfect family.
Right now I just feel that all my dreams along with the hope they inspired has been crushed. I know I have been beyond blessed. I know everyone reading this is saying "get over it". I will but for the moment I am very very sad and blue. I feel so broken, empty, crushed and worthless inside. Is there anyone out there who understands what I am feeling??? Will I be forever blue?
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1 comment:
Hey Kim, It's April bored at SOS! I loved this post, so heartfelt and full of love. You are awesome. I'll write more when I get time.
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